Can't sleep once again. Too many thoughts running through my head. I thought maybe tonight/this morning I'd try to get some out here. Maybe that would help.
Basically, things at work have been stressing me out. I try very hard to do a good job. Yet, lately there have been some things going on that have been causing me additional stress and losing sleep. Then I get upset that I can't sleep and frustrated that I am going to be exhausted the next day and unable to effectively deal with all these additional stresses. When I am tired and stressed I get more emotional about things which I hate about myself because it is so non-productive and I have too many things I need to accomplish.
Meanwhile I lie awake at night thinking (after I have checked my work e-mail, again)- How did I get to this point? Why am I doing this to myself? Did I make bad life choices and now I am stuck with the consequences? Why is my job so hard? Am I making my job too hard? Is it because I don't have the talent for this kind of job? Why did I pick this career if I don't have the talent succeed? Is it because I have to do things the hard way? Why must I do things the hard way?Am I making this harder than it is because I have to do things the hard way or is it because I just do not have talent to do my job effectively? Why am I kidding myself with this career choice if I am not cut out for it to begin with? Did I mislead myself thinking all these years that work needs to be hard because it is called work? Did I erroneously think that all these years of sacrifice and dedication would somewhat be rewarded as I slowly climb the rungs of the ladder? What if there is no real reward for the hard work? What if I just fall off the ladder because I was never meant to be on it in the first place because I can't seem to handle it and that I am kidding myself because I am not really working that hard and I should be even more dedicated if I want to succeed? What is the definition of success for me? Is it even attainable given the unpredictability of the future? Why am I getting upset over all this it is only a job after all? Why can't I be a Real Housewife of San Diego?
5 comments:
[HUG]
I battle out similar issues with architecture (okay, A LOT...)If it seems so hard some days how is everyone else doing it?! Sometimes we tease with a quote from a classmate..."when all else fails, lower your standards..." knowing that I wouldn't be any good at doing /that/ either. Oh - and when you learn to turn off your brain to go to sleep, I need some lessons!
Amen sister! Lately, my job has been making me sick to my stomach. (It always makes me lose sleep.) I constantly worry that I don't have what it takes to do my job. I am not smart enough, tough enough, brave enough, and so on. I take opposing counsel's attacks personally. And I am currently dealing with someone who is not only attacking our arguments, but also our integrity, which bothers me a lot because I pride myself on acting with integrity and treating people with respect even if they do not do the same to me. I have spent a lot of time wondering if I am cut out for litigation. I just don't know. You and I have spend many late nights talking about why we have always worked to hard, only to have to continue to work hard. Shouldn't we be reaping the benefits of all our hard work??? All this is a long way to say, I know how you feel, I also feel like an inadequate fraud most days of the week. I wish I was there to share a bottle of wine and commiserate in person! And no matter how you feel about yourself, I think you rock! You are balancing being a great mom and having a successful career! You are my hero :) Love you and can't wait to see you in August!!!
Oh honey, it sounds to me like you need a holiday or some time off to regroup.
Take care of yourself ok.
MM,
You sound so overwhelmed that everything is coming at you all at once. I've been there where it seems our life is just not on the right path.
I can join you in repeating the same old crap, however, I don't think that is what you need to hear. No, I don't have the answers.
It sounds like you lost yourself amongst the shuffle of your job. Do you have time to take a walk or a hot bath or shower so you can clear your head? A cup of tea?
What are somethings you like to do to get away from the stress. Taking it to bed with you is definitely not the way to go. I know you don't do it on purpose, but that is where the break must come, way before you go to bed.
It sounds like you got to where you are on your job by some good old fashion hard work! Obviously, you have the skill. It sounds like you are way too overwhelmed to focus right now.
If you can, perhpaps you can take some time to think of what you are able to do to clear your head so you can take measures to take care of yourself.
Until you take care of yourself, you might not be able to think clearly and will continue the cycle of feeding the stress...NOT good.
Hugs to you
Honey, let's go to Strauss next week and have lunch (which includes a beer!) Us working moms deseyve it!!!
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